More about Elves

He was always a bad acorn.

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A BAD ACORN

  In a land far away, in a very cold place, a place colder than your fridge, far colder than eating six ice-creams in snow or even colder still than sticking your tongue to an icy pole on winter’s day, is the Surprising Forest.

  In the Surprising Forest is tall oak tree after oak tree after oak tree after…you get the idea. And every Autumn the acorns fall to the ground to be picked up and stored by the Little Fluff Squirrels. Now, when Winter comes, the Little Fluff Squirrels hid away from the cold to protect their little toesies and spend their time snoring their heads off.

  And when spring comes, those same Little Fluff Squirrels finally get out of bed and go get something to eat. The Little Fluff Squirrels usually find most of the acorns they have stored away in their hidey places and goggle them up. The lazy, greedy pigs! But some acorns, just a few of the special emerald green acorns are forgotten. There they lie, waiting for the first full moon of Spring. And when it arrives, reflecting its majikal light onto the forest floor, little elves hatch out of the acorns like ugly chicks from eggs. But here’s the strangest thing: every single one of them is fully grown; a little man, with long beards and everything. This is true. I swear to you, no lie.

  But when the Bad Elf was born things were different. When his acorn fell, no Little Fluff Squirrels wanted to touch it – they hid from it! It lay there, in its bleak place, alone. Not a wonderful, emerald green colour but a dark, dark black. A black so dark that if you peered at it, you would feel like you were falling, down, down, down forever.

  So there it lay. Untouched. Waiting.

  Waiting for the moon to shine. And when it did shine, the acorn cracked open like knuckles and a dreadful smell oozed out of it, across the forest floor, turning any fallen leaves to dust and the forest to silence.

  Out rose the Bad Elf, a fully grown little man, with a long beard and eyes of flame. This was the beginning of Bob.

Book Birthday

I’m pleased to announce the launch of BAD ELF. This is now available from Amazon for £5.99.

About the book: A fantastical journey with elves, bears, some well-known fairy tale characters, and Father Christmas!

Most elves are happy, kind and love working for Santa making Christmas toys for good little girls and good little boys.
But not Bob.
He’s bad with a capital B-A-D.
And he is fed up. He is fed up with reindeers and making toys for that stupid red-clothed idiot. So he runs away.

Join Bob on his search to find a new job away from the North Pole in a world full of wacky, eccentric characters that will have you laughing out loud.

Available here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739868501/

POEM: Grandma is a fossil

My grandma is a fossil
Or so I have been told
She lies upon her bed
With teeth mainly gold

She doesn’t move much
But lies gathering dust
As still as a great stone
With a lip of tea crust

Gonna be a scientist
Get a spade and dig her up
With a brush I’ll be careful
To push away the muck

My great fossil grandma
Would get me on the news
People would line up outside
Standing in their twos

This poem came about as I needed a poem about fossils. I remembered the phrase ‘Grandma is an old fossil’ so it got me thinking about how old people are similar to fossils and what could happen if you treated them as one. I composed this one in my heard driving home.

POEM: Pants

New pants are on the scene
Have you ever seen something so supreme?
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday’s best
With a label upon its crest
A symbol of the snuggly feel
That you get from a Sunday meal
Everything in its right place
Puts a smile upon your face
Jump to the left
Hop to the right
With these pants
I’m full of might
I can do anything
In red pants of glory

I got thinking of the time when I was young and we got new clothes. The excitement, particularly of new pants. Bigger pants. They seemed to symbolise growing in age and becoming an older boy.



STORY: The Breakdown

The driver looked at Colin with a hopeful face.
‘Can you fix it?’
Colin looked down at the engine and scratched his head. There was a maze of pipes, wires, and tubes of liquid. This really wasn’t his area of expertise.
‘It’s just that it’s new and I borrowed it from dad. I can’t take it back broken,’ the driver pleaded.
‘I’m not sure I’m the right person.’
‘Pleassee. You just got to help.’
Colin felt pity for the young driver. He had been in that situation once. Maybe there was something he could do. It was a long shot.
‘Have you tried switching it off and on again?’
The driver perked up, leant over his dash, and flicked a switch. The engine died to a silence. Then he flicked the switch again. Lights came on. There was a gentle rumble as it sprung into life.
‘It worked! Oh thank you. I knew you were the person to ask.’
The driver hopped into his seat, wound up the window and gave cheerful wave.
Colin stood back by his IT van as the driver and machine flew into the sky.

Wishbone Billy on Audio!

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CLICK HERE: Wishbone Billy – audio book
Also avaible on Spotify SPOTIFYand itunes ITunes(Apple).

First three Chapters now available to listen to for free!

A non-stop, edge of your seat ride with Billy on his magical journey in search of new, better parents. Have your parents ever annoyed you? Have they ever done something you could never forgive? Well, Billy has annoying parents. In fact, he has the worse parents IN THE WORLD! They are lazy, selfish and cruel. His life is terrible. What can save him?

This audio book is full of eccentric, zany characters that will have you laughing out loud.

“It’s a brilliant, amazing and clever book.” – NIAMH, AGED 9

Check out this new episode!

POEM: the day the school was shut

shut school

the caretaker lost his broom
did a cartwheel
across the classroom
the day the school was shut

the school PA charged the computer
went on Dateline
looking for a suitor
the day the school was shut

the teachers began to sing
skipping around
in a great ring
the day the school was shut

the cook threw the potato smash
juggled the plates
watched them crash
the day the school was shut

the parents all began to scream
ran out the doors
looking for ice-cream
the day the school was shut

the school nurse poured out  lotion
skidded across the floor
causing a commotion
the day the school was shut

the Head Teacher stroked his wig
hopped on a table
and did a jig
the day the school was shut

This poem came about as I was inspired to do a poem about school’s shutting due to the Covid-19 lockdown. Then it snowed and I remembered the glorious snow days as a kid and the school getting shut and being able to play with friends in the snow.

POEM: My Sister Loves Worms

Girl with wormA

My sister loves worms
She loves how they wiggle
My sister loves worms
She loves how they jiggle
My sister loves worms
Wherever they are found
My sister loves worms
Under muddy ground
My sister loves worms
On her comfy bed
My sister loves worms
On her silky head
My sister loves worms
Sat on our telly
My sister loves worms
Squirming in her belly

POEM: Pingpongwibblybong

Pingpongwibblybong 
sat on Crankle’s knee

Pingpongwibblybong
sailed the sleshy sea

Pingpongwibblybong
climbed the Ya-ya tree

Pingpongwibblybong 
fought the criddle flea

Pingpongwibblybong
greatest hero that be! 

 

I love making up words. I love the sound that some of them can make. This poem was inspired by Spike Milligan’s poem “On The Ning Nang Nong.”

POEM: Counting to 20

counting to 20b copy

‘I can count to twenty,’ said Wilf

‘Go on then,’ said Mum

‘One, two, three,
Four, five, six,
Seven, eight,
Nine, ten,
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
Fifteen…fifteen, sixteen,
Seventeen, eighteen,
Nineteen, twenty.
Finished!’

‘What happened to eleven?’

‘I don’t like eleven.’

When my son was little, he loved maths and was always asking questions about numbers. It reminded me of the joy you have counting up when you first learn to do it. This poem is about that joy with some humour thrown in.